Craving numbness like a drug Lost in the thrill of exciting nothingness Light, paper thin and breathless Wanting to pause life and live constantly in the moment There is no peace here but at least… More
This should make you happy but it doesn’t.
Constantly competing with yourself trying to one-up your accomplishments.
You should feel excited but you don’t.
The emptiness a reminder that this simply isn’t enough.
These accomplishments feel hollow like they should mean more but they don’t.
Your sole focus seems to be on doing better, being better
But for what reason?
and at what cost?
Don’t look at her and feign recognition.
Don’t squint with the hopes that you will see any vestige of the girl that used to live here.
For she is long gone and no trace of her remains.
She is only someone that you used to know and there is no hope now of looking backward.
Bleeding on paper with my insides opened up for all to see.
Raw, real and terrifying.
The blood is spilling out with no hope of ceasing.
One drop is never enough and the beast inside thirsts for more.
More heart, More Soul, More just more.
But more than anything all I want is to feel ok.
Like a shrinking violet, she withered under a toxic co-pendency.
Taking her cues on how to act from people just as clueless as her.
Desperately she clung to them and held on to their every word until she sank.
For you see the foundations of her were shallow and weak.
She had pushed and suppressed her very nature just to conform.
When she finally broke free she realised how far she had drifted from who she really was.
She had sacrificed herself for acceptance and she was mortified.
Then she realised it was time to rebuild and start again.
I know I’m supposed to be here
I know this is right but it’s so hard to accept
It’s so hard to give up what you thought your life would look like
What you dreamed it would be
And face the harsh realities
It seems ugly at first like you won’t ever
But every day it gets a little easier and you form a slow acceptance of the truth.
I used to wish I was “strong” like you.
Wish I could hide my feelings and bury things like you seem to be able to.
Pretend things don’t hurt me when they do.
I wished I could take it just one last time just to keep the peace.
But I can’t and while letting go of you has been the hardest holding on to you is worse
How do we hope when everything seems desolate?
Anger so deeply ingrained in the fabric of our nation that it becomes the norm.
There is no value placed on human life with tragedy happening daily.
How do we live in a country when people die senselessly?
And no one seems to bat an eye.
How do we hope for the best when years begin and end with the same failed promises?
Hopelessness floats through the air and pain is found everywhere.
How do we believe in better days?
But we have to keep our blind optimism and believe in the one who holds our fates in the palm of his hands.
Here is where I leave you be.
The turbulent emotions finally put to rest.
This is where I choose to act differently and not wallow in how I feel.
This is where I wish you well and mean it.
This is where I look at the past with genuine laughs at the good times.
This is where I see you and smile just because I know we are both better apart.
This is where I take back control and stop waiting for you to make sense of this.
This is the end.
Restless heart, I can see the peace you crave.
The unrest plain in your eyes
And your body not at ease.
You try so hard to cover yourself up in disguises
But I see the person underneath.
Scared and unsure.
Craving acceptance and love.
If you would only let people see the real you
Then you could be loved truly.
Not for what you do but for who you are.
Restless heart, I yearn for the day you realise this.